TTC—an update

Time is such a funny concept when connected to certain life events/experiences. How it is able to move both incredibly fast, and painfully slow, all at the same time? Or how when you look at time passing day-to-day, everything feels right on time, but look back over a year and you wonder how that much time could possibly have already lapsed…

That is where I’m at in our fertility journey. We got pregnant a year ago in December 2019 (though I didn’t find out until January), and much has changed and happened since then. A miscarriage, a global pandemic, a job promotion, selling our house, and so much more. But one milestone is what brings me here today: the start of our infertility journey.

I’m so fortunate to work for an employer that offers infertility benefits. What would otherwise be an extraordinary financial undertaking we simply could not afford, we’re able to pursue for a small fraction of the cost. When I first learned I had these benefits in April 2019, I did not give it much thought. We’d started “not NOT trying” a few months prior, so I wasn’t concerned about exploring infertility benefits. SURELY it wouldn’t come to that, I thought. And then we got pregnant and I didn’t give it one more second of space in my mind. But alas, here we are 2 years into our TTC (that’s “trying to conceive” in the fertility world), one failed pregnancy, and only questions left behind.

So, in September, I made the call to my infertility benefits provider and set the ball in motion. For me, it wasn’t about pursuing IVF, or what it would take to get pregnant immediately. Rather, I wanted (needed) information. I wanted to know why we aren’t getting pregnant (or successfully anyway), but most of all I wanted to know if there was something wrong with me. I had the benefits available to me to do some testing, and I decided it was time to take advantage.

Since then, I’ve had bloodwork done, an ultrasound, a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), and a plan has been put in place going forward (more on that later) with more appointments, testing, etc. as a result.

My first appointment was for bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. As I walked into the clinic, I was met with a warm welcome and swift action. This change of pace was refreshing after my experiences at the beginning of the year with my OB through the weeks I was pregnant. There, my waits were long and appointments always lasted upwards of three hours. Instead, from the time I parked my car, went to my appointment, and back to my car, 21 minutes had elapsed. In that time I met with the sonographer, had a baseline ultrasound done, and completed a blood draw for lab work. Twenty. One. Minutes. #bless

[Quick aside] My meeting with my sonographer really stuck with me. She’s full-time and said I would be seeing her often and getting to know her quite well. It was kind and well intended, but landed a little heavy. I didn’t want to be in a place where I’d be meeting with specialists, seeing a sonographer regularly, enduring procedures, etc. I didn’t want to be at a stage in our journey where I was getting to know any one person “quite well”, unless it was my new OB who would be by our side through pregnancy. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fun. It isn’t comfortable. It isn’t how we want to grow our family. But this is where we’re at right now. This is a new chapter. I feel fortunate day after day that this an option we can actually pursue without loans and overwhelming financial constraints. The opportunity I have here isn’t lost on me, and I’m so grateful.

[Back to the events] Within hours of this appointment, I got the results back I’d been most anxiously awaiting through this whole journey. My biggest fear since forever was that something was wrong with me and that I’d never be able to get (and stay) pregnant. However, the signs point to a solid egg supply, overall healthy results from lab work, and minimal concerns about moving forward. This is the kind of information I *needed* to have. I have been able to breathe a little easier.

Next, was my HSG exam, which is to check to ensure my fallopian tubes are open and no issues with my uterus. This procedure felt bigger. I was warned to take Tylenol in advance as it could cause cramping. The procedure was at the hospital (radiology), which meant I had to be checked in, got a hospital bracelet, and and waited among other patients. The process, however, was smooth and everything happened precisely on time (again, #bless). I was walked back to the exam room, which was big, and scary, and overwhelming (see the pics below—you’ll know which one it is). As the nurses/techs gave me the instructions, I blacked out and started sweating. I didn’t retain anything they said. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was on the verge of a mild anxiety attack.

Everyone was so nice and supportive as they came back to the room and shared with them the anxiety I was feeling, and they went above and beyond to reassure me with every step. I laid on the exam table, and the procedure started, along with the tears. But there was no pain. No discomfort. No cramping. The whole thing was over in just a few short minutes (again, how time moved so slow and so fast in a matter of minutes). In hindsight it was the instructions, the build-up, the hospital protocol, and the exam room that made this seem like a MUCH bigger deal than it was. That being said, I know for some women, it truly is a painful, uncomfortable, terrible experience. So for those women, I say take a deep breath, take the Tylenol, and tell your team that you’re nervous/anxious/scared. Let them help you through the procedure!

Fast forward to my follow up with my reproductive endocrinologist and from the results there are only a couple things I’ll need to monitor going forward, but nothing alarming or that should otherwise prevent us from being able to get pregnant, stay pregnancy, and otherwise have a very healthy baby in the future. This is about as best case scenario as this could have gone for me. We have some “next steps” ahead of us that I’m not quite ready to discuss, perhaps I will someday…

[Conclusion] As a Capricorn and an attorney, I need facts, details, information to analyze. I have questions. I need answers. I need to understand every angle of every thing. I obsessively Google/research everything, especially when it has come to my fertility journey, and this testing has brought about more peace of mind than I ever imagined it would. My brain needed more information, rather than continuing to live with the “what if” and unknowns. Now, with information, I know what the path forward looks like and the uncertainty that comes with it feels so much more manageable. Again, I feel so incredibly fortunate to have this opportunity to pursue the answers I’ve desperately needed. This is a privilege I do not take for granted.

[A note to anyone reading this] It’s uncomfortable for me to be this transparent with this journey, even while still reserving some details to remain between Adam and myself. It’s opposite of how this “should” be. BUT my hope is that by opening up, even just one woman finds comfort or support or solidarity from reading my story. I want to help normalize talking about these things so we, as women, don’t have to carry the burden alone and in private. There’s a shared experience only us women can understand, and we should NOT feel afraid or uncomfortable talking about this, considering 1 in 8 experience infertility.

I’d love to hear from you if you’re on a journey of your own. Please leave a comment here or join me over on Instagram!